Month: July 2015

The closet light

Wife: Will you please go and check that the closet light is off. 
Me: I can see that it is off because there is no light coming under the door.
Wife: Are you sure that it is off I don’t want it getting too hot.
Me: I am sure.
Wife: go open the door and make sure.
Me: No
Wife: go open the door
Me: No
Wife: no sex for you
Me: damnit (still not getting up)
Wife: I am serious. 
Me: (snoring)
Wife: (hits me inadverdantly in the junk or at least I hope so)
Me: Well now I am sure as hell not getting up and checking the light because I can’t walk.
Wife: Fine
Me: (In head I win)
Wife: if you don’t get up I will hit you in the balls on purpose this time
Me: Damnit

The ability not NOT follow any instructions…

Me: Your car needs the oil changed, you need to take it in. Do NOT let them do anything else to it besides changing the oil. (This, after she had previously spent $50 on a goddamn $5 cabin air filter.)
Her: OK
Her: (Calling me from the shop.) They recommended flushing the radiator. It’s $75.
Her: OK

Later that night…
Me: So how much did they charge?
Her:They flushed the transmission and “cleaned” it. It was $250.

I didn’t get any bacon.

Woke up for work at 7 AM per the norm. Went to the bathroom and then to the kitchen. Wife was slaving over the stove to make breakfast. Her face was red, and she was a little sweaty. I said “Good morning. You look hot.” to which she replied “Aw, you’re sweet. Thank you.” Now, for whatever reason, my brain was not still functioning at 7 AM because I said “I didn’t mean it like that dumbass. You haven’t even put on makeup.”

I didn’t get any bacon.